Wow. I can't sleep and I feel myself about to spew out some of the million thoughts on my mind.
When Evan is here, I sleep no problem. Darcy is coming tomorrow and I think she will probably stay here with me...and I imagine that I will be able to sleep. Not to take away the romance, but maybe it's not Evan, maybe I just can't be alone.
I have been thinking about school a lot lately and how much I hate it and that I may be at the beginning of a long and unhappy career if I don't do something about it. I don't want to drop out of school (wait, yes I do) but I feel like I have made a very big mistake, or at least a series of small mistakes, all related to the choice of attending university. Not that I think university is a mistake, but university costs money, money that started out small and now has created an enormous web of debt which seems like I will never free myself from. I have always sort of dreamed about the whole travelling the world, backpacking across Europe-type thing, but I guess I never saw myself actually doing it. But the past few days I feel like I am in a panic, with thoughts that I COULD have done this, at one time, and now I will never be ABLE to. It's one thing to save up for a plane ticket and then hostel your ass around continents from one under the table job to another...but once student loans appear you are trapped in payments FOREVER. Oh k, maybe not forever, but I am tied down now. It's like having kids...without the joy of having kids. I can never make plans that aren't concretely tied to making money because I ALWAYS need to come up with the cash to make these payments. And that won't change no matter how far I run away.
Needless to say, all of this thinking is really getting me down. Especially after recently reading
The Alchemist, I feel like I need to follow my heart (wow, did I get that from the education program??) and my heart is NOT in the Mount right now at all. Paul and I were talking about teaching in England though, about how you can get these swanky teaching jobs where you get good pay and weeks off. I think that would be a good way to go. I always leaned towards Asia, but that was when I didn't realise the other options. I would like to do something like that until I have my loans paid off and then just save up some money of my own and do some serious galavanting. I think that I have always thought that getting a career was the most important thing, so I can settle down and have a family before I get too old. Do all the travelling when I am retired...but you know what? I don't want to! I don't want to wait. I am sick of doing things that I don't really want to do, that don't make me happy, just becuase it seems like I should. Selfish? Yah probably. But what's the point of doing anything if you hate it?
whaionrearhjoiajworea I hope no one reads this blog anymore because this is really lame. Not that my blog is anything but...I guess I have just tried to avoid these personal rantings in the past while. When you can't sleep though, anything to make the Zs come faster!!
Also, in case anyone does read this, I should state that I am not necessarily unhappy. I love my house, I love my friends, my boyfriend, pretty much everything but school. But I just feel like my life is going nowhere and I want to see the world. And I am starting to get scared that it won't happen, or that I will just be waiting around my whole life for it to happen. I know hard work pays off...but I just don't feel like working for 35 years before I get to the good stuff. BLAH.
Can't wait for the week end. Lots of good stuff coming up!!!! Pictures of the parties and more uplifting thoughts to come.
~N
